Yo honey, I’m jealous!

Ah that jealous bitch has returned. I haven’t seen her in a while. She’s been away for a while. I’ve not really had anyone that I was that bothered about to get jealous for a long time so it’s a feeling I’m not enjoying much. I thought I’d managed to get rid of her for good.

I trust Jock and I feel that I should say this. I do trust him. I think he’s a good guy and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize our love for each other right now. He’s going through this phase of thinking (well, joking) that he’s not good enough for me. He’s a haggard old man and I’m hot. Those were his words, not mine. We are in this little bubble and I definitely don’t think he’d try and sleep with anyone else. We have a connection, you see. I don’t think either of us have this feeling with many other people.

He met up with a friend from the other side of the world that he used to visit often. She was female and quite pretty. They went to the Big City and did lots of touristy stuff. I sent him a jokey message – “She gets excitement Jock and I get house husband Jock. I see how it is.”

It wasn’t until after I had sent the message that I realized there was an element of truth in what I had said. This other girl had been taken out and wined and dined by my guy. The worst of it was he didn’t tell me what they had gotten up to. I had to find out because she had posted it all over his Facebook. This is why I hate Facebook. Facebook is the devil. It’s addictive but it sure is the devil.

I was instantly jealous over their day out despite the fact that he picked me up on the way home and I then spent two glorious days with him. We had a bad night while I was there too. I might talk about this in a minute.

What the fuck am I jealous of here? He came home to me. I’m pretty sure he didn’t screw her in the middle of the Big City. They are just friends. What has gotten me so riled up? What is happening to me? I’m assuming you read my previous crazy bitch post – The Story of the Girl who Made Shit up in Her Head!

Jealousy isn’t something that I handle well and I’m pretty sure you’ve all gathered that much about me. I’ve been cheated on a lot and it hurts my damn heart every time, so the second the thought of it enters my head, I get angry. And scared. And emotional. My fists clench. It feels like my gut is churning. I get shaky. My heart races. I hate the feeling. It happens far too often to me. I don’t understand why I got angry about Jock’s day out with a purely platonic friend. Maybe I don’t trust him half as much as I think I do? I guess I’m never really going to trust anyone completely. After the guys I’ve dated/married/moved to the other side of the world for, it’s hardly surprising.

Part of me wants to talk about this newfound jealousy with him because he’s older than me and we can talk about everything. As much as I hate it when he uses the age difference against me, I love the fact that he has learned more life lessons than I have. I’ve got all these things to come. I know he’ll kiss me and hold my hand and look me right in the eyes and tell me I’m being daft, but how the hell am I meant to say to him “Yo honey, I’m green with jealousy after your day out with your beautiful friend from the other side of the world. Can you come here and massage my ego please?”

I’ve missed being in love.